I can’t continue like this…
I can’t keep doing this. Thinking and wondering when my love will come. It just feels like broken hope now and I have no room for brokenness.
I wish that somehow I could just know that it will happen for sure. And that’s my downfall in life, always wanting certainty.
Life’s too short and it’s all exhausting enough. Wishing or yearning takes me away from now. Trying to navigate all that I already do. And putting up with all the bullshit along the way.
I’m tired and worn out. I have tired out every inch of my soul. And I have already put with more than necessary.
But this is it, this is my life. And so I choose another path, another way of thinking.
Having already being consumed with this yearning, I need to put it to rest. I can’t continue like this.
I need to find something else, perhaps more of myself.
Hope grew from the wreckage. The sun touching it, soaking up all the poison. Life wasn’t going to be easy. But I grew stronger and learnt how to breath much deeper.
And still I stumble. But I always find my way, picking up all the broken pieces and only looking back to see how far I’ve come.
I’ve learnt so much about being grateful. Taking in every moment and treating it like a conversation I’m having with the universe.
Always remembering that life doesn’t necessarily give you what you want. That even the pain endured, is a blessing.
Knowing that any darkness will pass. That the light isn’t far away. I always hold on to this. This is how I have learnt how to survive. And realising that I am strong and brave enough to tether any storm.
This courage, I’m still trying to find. I peel back the layers that life has built around me. I won’t be fooled by my perceptions, because that’s all they are. Sometimes what is real is buried deep down underneath. So don’t get caught up in the confusion. The illusion that what you see is always real.
I feel this coldness creeping inside my skin. But I will not wait until I feel brave to let go. Because courage comes when we face our fears. And so I dance anyway.
I close my eyes, inhale in life and exhale wonder.
I transformed my pain into freedom. I picked myself up, along the pieces of me scattered all over the ground.
My pieces transformed into star dust, all over my skin. And every morning when we wake up, we get to be born all over again.
I kept on remembering what I already knew. That I was whole, and my pieces weren’t scattered everywhere.
Without realising I was holding onto guilt and shame, for something I never did. And now I have no more excuses to hold onto it.
I realised that freedom is inside of me, it never left me. I am freedom. A flicker of light, and the exact perfect concoction of sun and moon.