Life broke me. It forced me to look for love every where. I found it in other people’s pain. I found it in places I never thought I would ever look. I found it in disappointment, I found it in rejection.
I found love in love, and in the most beautiful of places. I found it in the sky, I found it as the sun caressed my back. I found love in courage and in other people’s hearts.
After a long time looking for love outside of myself, every discovery to myself. I realised that love lived everywhere. I learned that love could never possibly leave me. Because I am love, every inch of me, every part.
They come like wild flowers. I got used to solitude, I got used to my own skin.
Then you came out of nowhere, and you caressed me. Your hands touching my skin, this time. But you lied to my heart. With the soft strokes of your finger tips, you made me feel that I mattered, that I was enough. But you didn’t really want me. You just wanted to make me feel like you did, so you could feel good about yourself.
All of the wildflowers, are taking their toll on me. Instead of already feeling whole in my own solitude, I have come to yearn for that certain sweetness that you can’t have on your own.
I lost my soul, in between the broken pieces of the past.
I got caught up in the drama of other people’s conflicts.
Then I found my fire again.
I learnt how to let it cradle me, hold me.
I learnt that I deserved so much more, that I was good enough, that I mattered.
I could and see the light trying to touch me, to show me that it was there, and that it never left.
I held onto it, as much as I could.
I had fought so much before, but life wanted me to fight even more. So I did, I fought as hard as I could.
Life needed me to realise that I already was the fire.
I was still holding on.
I wanted that impossible dream, to be saved. To be somewhat cleansed and renewed. Kind of like, back to the start, back to the magic.
I yearn for this fire, that is so inside of me, it even surrounds me.
But I’m still learning how.
How to walk through it, without getting burned.
Making it to the other side, unscathed, without any scars.
But that’s impossible right.
I have learnt allot about love, about people, about us.
Beautiful souls that I meet along my way, they are the ones that save me.
The awarkdness is me.
I’m trying to squeeze all of me, into every tiny little moment.
Their’s this excitement, this life force, that runs right through me.
I know my place in the world.
I know this where I belong.
Their is a flicker of light, that never goes out.
Even when the rain pours…
It was if I was waiting, in the side lines. I was waiting till it was my turn to live.
I was too burdened, too overwhelmed, too shocked to realise my name had already been called out 36 years ago.
I was too stuck, the pain had covered me and was then set hard by the blazing sun.
Their was nowhere else to go, so I stayed in the shadows.
I salute the stars of yesterday.
I say goodbye to the endings, sadnesses and joys.
I salute the sky that called itself yesterday.
I hold right now in the palm of my hand.
I am confident in myself enough, to know that I can do this.
The good, the bad, the in between, all of it.
My heart only filled with love,
the fire in my belly.
I know I am already free.